The Lifespan of a Fly


I Am The Lizard King
April 10, 2010, 1:41 PM
Filed under: Bad Movies For Everyone

We live in a world of cinematic wonders. Large, blue animated tiger-people things and human beings interact in a realistic looking world. 3D movies have made a comeback since their debut in the 1980’s and are attracting thousands of movie goers. So with all of these amazing movies at our fingertips, how is it possible that I keep getting stuck watching really, really (I mean REALLY), bad movies?

It’s not as if this only happens to me once in a while, I watch at least one unbelievably bad movie a month. The type of bad where your mouth is hanging open and you turn to look at your movie-partner in stunned silence only to see that exact same look reflected on their face. This happened to me, again, last night. The culprit: Bad Lieutenant, starring none other than Nicholas Cage. Crucify me if you will, but the moment I hear Cage’s name in relation to a possible film to watch, I cringe. Flashbacks of “Ghost Rider” and “Knowing” happen and I start to make excuses about why I can’t watch his movies. “They give me Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder,” I’ll say. This is true, I regularly feel catatonic afterwards. Last night my excuses did not save me from my fate….

Nicholas Cage plays a cop with a drug addiction. And a sex addiction, and a gambling addiction, oh and probably a crime addiction. Cage is right in character when he delivers his usual toneless, expressionless, bland portrayal. His performance is complimented by the appearance of Val Kilmer, another cop with a baaaaad streak. Anyhow, Bad Lieutenant doesn’t try to confuse its audience with anything as complicated as a plot. It also kindly provides its viewers with scenes from the point of view of a reptile, a crocodile or iguana. Is this some sort of jab at Val Kilmer as Jim Morrison in the 1991 movie, The Doors? “I am The Lizard King! I can do anything!” Because THAT would make more sense than anything going on in Bad Lieutenant. Of all of the A- (minus?) List actors and other familiar faces, the best acting in the entire movie was Xhibit. Who is not actually an actor.

Please don’t try and tell me I didn’t “get” this movie. I got it, it was stupid and now I’m trying to get rid of it. My suggestion? Illegally download it.

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2 Comments so far
Leave a comment

I agree “Knowing” sucked balls. But “Gone in 60 Seconds” was sweet.

Comment by J

Gone in 60 was good, but Nick sucked in it. Anybody could have done better. His kid bro in that movie (whatever his real name is), he is an ok actor, but seems to play the same character time and time again. To me, nick is such a tired and jaded bum.

Comment by Zeke




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