The Lifespan of a Fly


I Prophetize…. More Garbage.
April 15, 2010, 6:58 PM
Filed under: Bad Movies For Everyone

Bad movies became a topic of discussion between an acquaintance and I today. Is there really anything more infuriating than a poorly casted movie? Yes, there is: either paying $12.50 to see that movie in the theater or the $5.00 to rent it. Only twice have I ever left the theater in the middle of a movie. One of the offending flicks was 10,000 B.C.

Have you ever seen this thing? If you have, my sympathies are with you. However, if you have been fortunate enough to overlook this horrendous piece of cinematography, you have my sincere congratulations. Where to start with this movie? Well, for one, unlike Apocalypto, the varying communities of uncivilized people did not speak in their normal tongue. Oh no, they spoke….. ENGLISH. Not only are they speaking a language that hadn’t even been devised at that point in our history, they all spoke it with a clear, British accent. I made this point once to Mike who tried to argue that the characters were European. No, they’re not all European, the main character does travel into Africa you know. Did the tribesmen in grass skirts not tip you off? Yet they as well had impeccable European accents. Ironic? I think yes.

So this spear-wielding, animal skin wearing, wanna-be hunter caveman goes on a journey to save his beloved blue-eyes prophetess from her Slave Masters. I think he fakes a woolly mammoth kill too, cause he’s a pussy. And his beloved blue-eyes prophetess? Well you’d think the casting director could have found as lousy of an actress that he did that actually HAD blue eyes. You know, rather than just having another brown-eyed, mediocre actress in the movie.

I wanted to feel guilty about walking out of this movie. I wanted to feel bad that I didn’t give it a shot and hope that it would work out better. But what I really wanted was my $12.50 back. Oh and the two hours of my life that was wasted when Mike insisted that it wasn’t that bad and we should try it again. It was that bad and I’m don’t feel bad that I melted that DVD in a fire.

Hell is where that movie deserves to be.

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