The Lifespan of a Fly


Storytime Anyone? Call 787-PARTY
June 15, 2010, 7:19 AM
Filed under: Generalizations | Tags: , , ,

Thomas Svekla after his arrest for murdering prostitues. Courtesy of CTV

Lately it seems like my television set has been bombarded with late night commericals advertising a great way to meet sexy singles in your area or beyond. The spokesperson is usually a really hot blonde (or sometimes Evangeline Lilly during her pre-LOST days) telling you all about how she loves to spend her Friday nights chatting to other singles.

OK, let’s just get a few things straight here, a girl THAT good looking probably doesn’t even know how to use a telephone (other than to text message incessantly), let alone spend her weekends chatting with men of the serial killer persuasion. So if you DO decide you’re lonely and need a friend, the girl you’re talking to is either snaggle-toothed, fat, stupid, has crabs or all of the above. Yeah, I know, I prefer the hot blonde too.

So when “Evangeline Lilly” tells you to come and party and promises a great story, it might involve you being chased out of her house by her angry boyfriend who came home mid-romp and is now brandishing a hatchet which he’s aiming at your head. This actually happened to someone I knew once, so if you’re an adrenaline junkie, this might be the best laid plan for you!

The allure of these party lines is that you never know who you’re talking to. So honey, when you promise me a great story, what I think will really happen is Thomas Svekla will come to your home, chop you into pieces and throw you in a hockey bag.

So just remember children, party all you want. But one simple self-defence tip: punch them in the jugular, Svekla will drop like a stone.

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