The Lifespan of a Fly

The Day I Became Jewish
August 13, 2010, 1:50 PM
Filed under: Generalizations | Tags: , , , , , ,

Edit: Invader Zim is a cartoon show about an incompeted alien sent to Earth to destroy and conquer. Gir is his extremely dumb, extremely cute robot partner who is mainly portrayed in a dog suit. It is his “disguise”. Invader Zim aired on Nickelodeon for a bit than went off because it was a little too creepy for little kids. There. Does that answer your questions?

J told me to tell her a story about a giant pig and Gir (Invader Zim). So I thought I’d share it with you:

It was one of those days. You know the ones, where you wake up and the shine is shining brightly and the birds are chirping and everything around you tells you to be happy. Regardless of all of these positive little pieces of the world that show you how much God loves you, you still wake up wanting to punch the sun in his bright red face and you want to cook those birds up for dinner because they wont let you sleep for one goddamn hour. Yeah, that’s the type of day it was. Because that’s the type of day it was and because I was shrouded in my own version of purgatory, I didn’t even notice that the birds had finally shut up.

I was sitting on my porch, drinking coffee and glaring at everyone who passed by. Actually, I was glaring at the sun, but that was too bright, so I decided to turn my gaze upon innocent neighbours and people in love and that sort of junk. Sure, I could have put on a hat or sunglasses, but what’s the fun in that. Slowly, the brightness of the morning faded away. I didn’t even notice the shadow until it fell across my face and I realized that the elderly couple I had been staring down weren’t paying any attention to me. Their mouths were hanging open and they pointed up to the sky. My eyes followed their fingers.

Have you ever seen something so out of the ordinary that at first you can’t comprehend what you’re seeing? This was one of those instances. At first, I couldn’t even figure out where I was supposed to be looking. I remember I once heard the term “macroscopic”. It’s sort of like “microscopic” which is too small to see. Somethings, like planets are “macroscopic” too big to even comprehend. Finally, my eyes fell upon an enormous patch of hairy, pink skin. It felt like I was staring up for an eternity. It felt like it took forever to understand what it was that was casting a shadow over my home. What monstrosity was looming nearby?


Seriously, what I was staring at was a 300 foot tall pot belly pig. Don’t ask me how it got to be that big. I didn’t raise the goddamn thing. It was standing over my house. I jumped up and ran towards the street, narrowly dodging a cyclist and a maroon mini-van full of soccer players with their mouths hanging wide.

Thunderous crashes began and I saw its fleshy, two-pronged hoof raised high above my house. Splinters of wood and glass flew as what used to be my home was reduced to rubble and debris. As the pig made its way through my home and on-wards to its destination, I saw a small, green and black dog sitting on it’s back.

“WHEEEEEEEEEEE” shouted the dog as he rode the giant pig through my neighbours home and into the horizon.

That was the day I became Jewish


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