The Lifespan of a Fly

The Perils of Public Transit – Part Deux
September 28, 2010, 5:24 PM
Filed under: Generalizations, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , ,

Edmonton Transit has a funny policy about violence. I suppose it makes sense if you think of it in a “greater good for the great number” sense, but still, it isn’t exactly one that inspires confidence. The policy is that if two (or more) people are involved in a physical fight, the driver kicks said aggressors off the bus and drives away, leaving them to battle. I learned about this after hearing of a story from a friend who witnessed one patron smashing another patron’s face into the sidewalk repeatedly over a dispute about whether or not Patron 1 hit Patron 2 in the face with her bag. Luckily for Patron 2, others rushed to her assistance and broke up the fight.

Scary? Yeah.

So needless to say I was a little apprehensive about antagonizing the aggressive cracked-out person on the bus today. I am innocently minding my own business (well texting J about the love-child of George Burns and the Magic School Bus Lady I was currently observing), when she starts to noisily, pull up a wad of phlegm from her throat. She then spits this grossness on the floor of the bus. Biggie Smalls (who is miraculously not dead, and residing in Edmonton, AND taking public transit) speaks up:

“You spit on my shoe,” he says.

Now, personally, I wouldn’t be messing with a 400lb black man who looks like he could crush me without breaking a sweat. But, crackheads aren’t exactly reasonable people, so this one starts shouting at him that “I didn’t spit on your f*cking shoe you f*cking (really bad word). Don’t make me f*ck you up”. Now I don’t think that she would be able to f*ck her john if she had too, that’s how messed up she was. Then again, never mess with someone who has nothing to lose. They are capable of anything.

Live and let live. It seems like a pretty simple motto and since Edmonton has become pretty stab-happy over the last few years, I normally don’t open my mouth to crazy people. Apparently yelling at Biggie isn’t good enough for her, since she decides to turn her attention to me.

“This white girl I’m gonna curb-stomp!” she announces to everyone, meaning me. Why? Maybe she’s related to the love-child. I really don’t know. Normally, I get off the bus a stop before the transit centre and walk the few blocks to school, but not today. After twenty minutes of threats to my personal well-being, I decide to disembark in the safety of others. (Yeah, I’m a pussy. Want to make something of it?) All I need is to get off the bus and have her start smashing my head into the sidewalk while the bus drives off and leaves me. This scenario is running through my head and all I can think of is my mom is going to be so pissed off if I look ugly in wedding pictures.

I guess she forgot about me and Biggie, two absolute strangers made allies by a crazy crackhead. As we disembark, Biggie gets behind me to block the crackhead from attacking me, for whatever delusional purpose. At which point he looks at me, all 400lbs on menacing strength and says “Don’t worry. I wont let her hit you”.

So Mr. Smalls, if you’re reading this, and I hope you are cause you’ve made it into my blog for being purely awesome: Thanks dude. My mom would thank you too.


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