The Lifespan of a Fly


Leave my Dreams Alone

Sarah,

I’m writing this to you, and I’m using your real name because I hope that one day you’ll see this. I’ve thought about emailing you, but that would mean I have to look for your email. I thought about calling you, but I never bothered saving your new phone number since the last time you called.

I had another dream about you last night. Maybe I’m writing this because I want you to stay out of my dreams. Whatever. In my dream you had come to your senses left him. I have to say, I thought I knew you so well. A former Ukrainian Catholic Orthodox, who dealt with hostility and judgment, the type that can only be dished out by the self-righteous. Their closed-minded insults only made you stronger, made you better than them, made you someone others wish they could be. But then you lost that.

I can’t say when you lost that independent, self-reliant girl. Maybe when Lee came around, and lived in the house you bought at nineteen, and treated you like his personal housekeeper and nanny. Lover? Yeah, only after you clean up. You didn’t phone me for a year. And then I forgave you, because everyone is allowed to make mistakes, right?

But even then you still had some steel in your backbone. You left Lee, and moved Paul into your same home. And we thought Lee was bad?

I hope you enjoy the life you’ve chosen for yourself. I hope you feel satisfied believing in God, Jehova, or the three-eyed sky pizza monsters for all I care. I’m sorry that although I live a good life, the three-eyed sky pizza monster will never love me until I join a certain group that holds certain beliefs. These are not requirements I have of you.

For now, when I come across a picture of you, that emptiness in my heart where you used to be feels emptier than before. But slowly, I’m realizing that the person I miss has been gone for three years. You left when you sacrificed yourself for someone who couldn’t appreciate you and who wanted to squash the beautiful artist you were becoming. But you just needed to be loved, but you forgot one thing, Sarah:

You need to love yourself first.

I loved you, but you broke my heart enough times. You’ve made me cry and wonder what I did to lose you? I now realize that it wasn’t me who lost you. It was you who lost me.

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2 Comments so far
Leave a comment

That was honesty at its purest form. You made me cry. I hope she sees this too.

Comment by Terrie

Tannis I can’t even begin to describe how much I relate to this post. I’m proud of you for expressing yourself and being completely honest. If nothing else, I hope she reads this.

Comment by Tash




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