The Lifespan of a Fly

How to do Profile Pictures Wrong
January 11, 2011, 9:14 AM
Filed under: Generalizations | Tags: , , , ,

On a regular basis I face temptation to write an Orientation Guide to Facebook protocol. I hate Facebook and I love Facebook in equal parts, but you already know that right? So let’s talk about a Facebook staple: Profile Pictures.

Yes, that Profile Picture is the very first thing another Facebook user sees about you and you want to make a statement. And isn’t that just great? I’m really happy for your Facebook attempt at rebellion, it’s very inspiring and I can feel my heart filling with hope as I write this post.

You’re doing it wrong.

1. You have a photo of your car up. You know, I’m certain if I cared a little bit about cars (short of whether they’re working or not and calling them a dirty whore), your profile picture would inspire awe in me. But, it doesn’t. I don’t want a picture of your Camaro, I want to see if you’re wearing a bedazzled t-shirt or not.

2. Pictures of your children. Yes, they’re adorable, but maybe that’s because I can’t witness their current temper-tantrum. All children are cute, but you can easily create a photo album to house and showcase all the adorable moments in which little Ricky eats soap and pukes on the cat… Actually, if THAT is what you have in your photo, you can go ahead and keep that one up.

3. Pictures of you getting your drink on. I’ll keep this one short: The goddess of immense sexuality you were at the beginning of the evening? Yeah, she’s gone and now you’re looking like a drowned version of her ugly cousin. And besides, I’m doing homework on a Friday, so damn you for having fun with booze! DAMN YOU!

4. Anime or Cartoon Characters. Just, ugh, don’t do it ok?

5. 1000 Pictures of You With Your Head Turned Left This Time. Please! Go change your clothes, or pretend you’re in a different room at least. I don’t want to see the photographed process of how you arrived at that perfect smile. You have ten pictures of you doing the same pose! THE SAME POSE! Are all of these pictures profile material? I have an idea, get out of the house away from the webcam and you know, get pictures of you pretending to have a life.

What people want to see when they browse through your photos, is not visual evidence of how clever you are, or how cute your car/kids/pets are. What we really want to see if whether or not your boyfriend/girlfriend is hotter than ours.


1 Comment so far
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Love #3.

Comment by J

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