The Lifespan of a Fly

Comparing Apples and Bones
February 15, 2011, 4:31 PM
Filed under: Generalizations | Tags: , , , , , ,

Totally sulking

Imagine that you have two apples that are exactly identical. They’re both a rich ruby red. Both apples are shiny because they have a very fine coating of wax on them. Their juices are sweet, and tangy all at once. Yum, these apples sure are tasty.

Now, you’re four years old again, and your stupid brother (or in some unlucky cases, sister) wants one of your apples. Then you get all like “No! They’re my apples!” But your mom is not down with your yelling about apples and commands you in her Mom Voice to share the Damn Apples.

All of a sudden the apples aren’t the same anymore. Which one is the junk apple? Which is the sub-standard fruit you have give to your brother (who, of course, your mom loves more)?

My dogs do this shit every time we get them bones. At first, everyone’s excited. Rex is thrilled because he loves carrying around random household items (the Grinch, the moose, socks, pickles, dish rags). Duke has some moment of nostalgic reunion. We’re just glad that Rex’s breath just might not smell like fish. Duke’s breath always does.

So we get them completely identical bones, which they carry around triumphantly and crunch, crunch, crunch away. Until one of them makes more gooey progress than the other. All of a sudden this bone becomes the prize and each attempts to trick the other dog out of possession. All the while the other bone waits pathetically, like a broken doll.

So I did what every mother would do. I took it away and put it up really high on the bookcase. I informed them that if they cant chew the unwanted bone, then no one gets any bones.

Sometimes I love Duke’s senility. As Rex sulks and skulks around, looking for his spitty Precious, Duke just haves at her. 10 minutes later and he’s already forgotten about the bookcased bone. Rex stares with lust in his eyes at the bone no one wanted. Only because my old man dog is getting it all spitted up.

You know what? I really hate apples.


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