The Lifespan of a Fly

Of Mice and Mike
March 10, 2011, 8:16 AM
Filed under: Generalizations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Do you remember that kid from elementary that always happened to hurt other kids? He never meant to, all he wanted to do was play and to love them like children love the world. But he was cursed with a god-like strength he couldn’t control. All the kids were terrified of him, they’d call him a bully, even though he wasn’t.

Eating delicate food, like hamburgers was always a challenge for him. No matter how hard he tried, his brute strength would crush all the life, and toppings, out of his hamburger and it would end up a meaty, ketchupy mess running down his small hands flavoured slightly with his tears of frustration. All he wants to do is eat his hamburger!

Now imagine that little kid grew up, and I decided to marry him. In 2007, Mike ran his thumb through a table saw. Really, really gross with the pins and the bloods and the casts and stuff. Take my word for it. But during his long months of physiotherapy, he did learn one important thing about himself: his right hand control about 70lbs of gripping force.

The “Death Grip” was born that day (I picture this happening with gamma rays and ripped shorts).

Since then, the Death Grip has taken the lives of 1 plastic spoon, 1 wooden spoon, 1 measuring cup and countless ice cream cones (and I only just started keeping track this year). Any amount of delicacy is no match for Mike’s hands. They crush, they destroy, they break and all they want to do is eat a hamburger. My finger bones grind together when we hold hands, but that’s cool, I have a high pain tolerance. When he gave me massages, I wondered if he’d confused me with a lump of dough that required kneading.

Sometimes though, it’s hard not to picture that little boy with the mangled remnants of his hamburger falling in pieces all over his plate. And he cries, and cries, and cries, because all he wants is to love.

There is a bonus to this, no jar lid is a match for the Death Grip. I imagine it will also come in extremely handy during the inevitable zombie apocalypse. The Death Grip will pop their engorged, rotting heads right off their shoulders. See, there is a plan for everything.


1 Comment so far
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I bet Mike’s terrible at Jenga.

Comment by The Good Greatsby

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