The Lifespan of a Fly


The Revenge Fart
April 14, 2011, 6:47 AM
Filed under: Generalizations | Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Warning! Farts may be lethal!

Finally, the snow has melted. Well, it’s snowing right now, but most of the snow has melted. Our frigid province is slowly moving into its spring-mode, about three-months after the rest of the world already has. You can always tell when it’s spring in Edmonton. There’s two types of people you see. Type A are seasoned Edmontonians. They don’t move their winter coats into storage, they just put them in the other closet. Sunshine beats down on them while they wear their North Face parkas and boots. Then, there’s Type B. I’m a Type B Edmontonian. I know it’s probably gonna keep snowing, but I don’t care and enthusiastically wear out all my spring clothes, before the spring has actually settled in for a stay.

So it was during one of my Type B moments that the Fart occurred. Mike and I were walking back from Safeway, for no other reason then to enjoy the sunshine when up ahead of me I saw a couple of gang-bangers. Now, since this isn’t the States, these are Canadian gang-bangers, which means it’s more likely they carry knives then guns. As we crossed paths, the Big Dude decided to grace me with a gift: A Fart.

Now it was quite obvious that he maliciously farted at me. It voiced itself like a dying rodent. Stunned, I did the first thing that came to mind:

“MIKE! That Big Dude just farted at me! What a disgusting slob!”

And then we laughed, and we laughed, and we laughed. What other option are you left with when assaulted by a malicious rodent-squeak of a fart?

My Type B moment was rudely interrupted by that gaseous intrusion. But alas, I was not discouraged. Two days later, on a Type B trek back down to Safeway for some Tiger Tiger ice cream, I saw the same two gang-bangers.

Here was my chance for retribution! Here was my time for payback! I will not forget the insult on my good name! So I did what anyone would do. I began pushing, and pushing, and pushing. I was going to get him back. Did I mention that as a vegetarian, my farts are pretty deadly? Yeah, this Big Dude didn’t know what I had in store for him. He had no idea what a fart could really do.

As he approached, so did my moment to shine. So I squeezed, and I squeezed, and I squeezed. And soon, the Big Dude who had inflicted malicious farts on me was past, and I still couldn’t fart back. Disappointment rose. What was wrong with me? Not only am I a vegetarian, I’m a Labine! The very people for whom farting is like speaking! And then, once he was gone… my fart finally came…

The moral of this story is that Revenge Farts rarely work in your favour.

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