The Lifespan of a Fly

That’s Not What I Meant!
May 12, 2011, 8:08 AM
Filed under: Generalizations | Tags: , , , , , , , , ,


Have you ever said something completely innocent and suffered that sideways look from people? “Does she know what she just said?”. “No!” you say, waving your hands and hoping that your mortification is apparent on your face, “That’s not how I meant it!”

Welcome to my life.

Oops! That’s not what I meant!

1. “I like black humor” – Upon discussing The Office with some school mates this year, I began to explain that I don’t think slap-stick jokes are funny. Steve Carrell is dumb, his character is dumb, and, well it’s a stupid show and not funny. Now, because everyone but me agrees that yes, it is funny, I am then forced to provide an example of my taste in humor. I began by asking if either J or A had seen the satirical movie Fido. Nope. Of course not. The words “I like black humor” slipped from my lips and the sideways glance began.

Count: one… two… three… four… My face drops and I realize the words that just came out of my mouth.
“NO! I didn’t mean it like *whispering now* black people humor”.

Moral of this story, use the term “dark humor” from this day forward.

2. “Show me your goodies!” – Miche is pregnant. Miche is beautiful all the time, but more so when she’s fermenting a little baby in there. Miche got new maternity clothes. I wanted to see said new maternity clothes and thought I’d request this privilege by shouting *ahem* “Show me your goodies!” at my very pregnant, very beautiful, very married co-worker. The sideways glance, along with the patented eyebrow lift, were directed at me.

“No! Not like that! I wanted to see your new clothes!”

Moral of this story: Don’t ask pregnant people to show you their goodies. It’s inappropriate and weird.

3. “You sure are a cheese factory?” – This happened only yesterday. Mackie is what every twenty-year-old wishes she’d look like at thirty, and most wish they look like at twenty. Yas, our beloved receptionist and friend is moving all the way West to Vancouver. Our hearts are sad and we’re all trying to spend as much time with her as possible before her move to The Promised Land. So we find a restaurant that’s more than a couple blocks away. I wear flats, as do most of us office clerks. Mackie, well, Mackie is the Queen of Ridiculous Shoe Land. “Bring flats,” we warn her, knowing perfectly well that she probably wont.

Oh, did I mention this was an email conversation? Did I also mention I don’t get the slang these kids are using nowadays? No? Good thing I got this cleared up.

“No one wants to carry this cheese factory around fireman style!” Mackie announces. Now, what I assume she meant was, like, cutting the cheese. You know, fart factory? So I reply with “You sure are a cheese factory!”


Count: one… two… three… four… the email version of the sideways glance. Until my sweetie Asher beside me pipes up:

“Tannis, do you know what a cheese factory is?”

Uh, like farts? She’ll be farting in our faces? No, apparently she’s talking about cellulite. Not only am I agreeing about her having cellulite, I “replied to all” thinking I was making a joke about Mackie’s flatulence.

“NO! That’s not what I meant! I was calling you gassy!”

The moral of this story is: that’s not any better than calling her fat…

Can I just go home now?


3 Comments so far
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Ah, don’t worry about it. They’ll get over it. I have to deal with it all the time and figure if I’m still surprising people it makes me more interesting albeit in a sick/twisted way, of course. Anyway, do you really give a shit?

Comment by

Am I worried about what other people think of me? I’m going to reply to this by stating I write a blog which showcases my personal idiocy most of the time.

Comment by Lifespan of a Fly

Hey Tannis…I was reading your blog today since we have a mutual friend, Shannon M, who turned me on to it, and because all 3 of us at some point worked where you currently do. I’m the one…you know when they say over there so-and-so “pulled a Lisa”. I’m the Lisa. LOL Anyway, I absolutely LOVE your blog and am signing up to be notified of your future posts. I have one of my own which is geared more toward my unfortunate encounters with people of a particular generation who, quite frankly, stymie me with their idiocy. Anyway, keep up the great writing! 🙂

Comment by Lisa Bittner

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