The Lifespan of a Fly

Adieu Humans, Bonjour Zombie/Robot/Natural Uprisings

Have you ever felt like a little red ant, tramped beneath a magnifying glass while some grand cosmic force pulls your legs off and watches you burn?

No, me neither.

But apparently we’re all wrong because tomorrow the world is supposed to end. For reals this time, yo. This is nothing like Y2K wherein Skynet did not become self-aware and when the clock ticked to midnight on that fateful day, many of us went “Meh” and continued drinking. How is this different, you may be asking. Because this dude said so and he’s got billboards backing his story up. So if you aren’t too busy at 6 p.m. on May 21, 2011, why not come out, grab some smokies and burgers and let’s watch the rapture together.

I’ll be there, while the sky burns and the people run around screaming, with a Bellini in my hand. Perhaps during that time we could all discuss what we regret most in our meaningless, fragile little lives. The Robot Overlords, fuelled by their army of zombies aren’t expected until about 6 p.m., so until then, let’s get some nostalgia on.

I regret not drinking more bellinis. They are yummy, fruity, and you don’t even realize how drunk you are until you stand up and start trying to dance to Boney M.’s Rasputin.

I regret not getting involved in Wicca. Maybe if I had gotten involved with worshiping Mother Gaia she wouldn’t be so intent on wiping me out. Everyone else is cool, but I need to kick around so that I can provide the Robot Overlords with a human perspective on the world they destroyed.

I regret not finishing that book. Oh, and that other book too. I do, however, regret finishing Catcher in the Rye. The only good parts came when Holden Caulfield got the shit kicked out of him repeatedly, sometimes by pimps. I regret him not being a real person for me to beat up too.

Finally, I regret not taking Terminator more seriously and never learning how to shoot a shotgun. Skynet finally became self-aware on April 19, 2011 and I still can’t blow up zombies.

Just wondering, if I end up having my neck ripped out by a member of the Great Zombie Army and become infected, thus ensuring my passion to eat the flesh of my brethren, was my years as a vegetarian for naught?



1 Comment so far
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For me personally, I’m not so worried about the reign of the undead and our new cyborg overlords. Why you ask? I got something on both of them and I think most of us have this same thing on them too. We can widthstand the cold. That’s right. Robots freeze because they don’t feel, and zombies freeze because they’re primitive and don’t realize it’s happening. My sure fire plan involves three steps.
Step 1: Find an RV and steal it.
Step 2: Go to a hardware store and load up on lethal, close range weapons. Let’s face it, guns are fun now, but what happens when we run out of bullets. Better get used to melee combat while we can.
Step 3: Off to the arctic circle. Will it suck? Yes. Does it suck less than being eaten alive or enslaved by some monotone chrome asshole? Yes.

Comment by northofamerica

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