The Lifespan of a Fly


My Fanny Pack Can Beat Up Your Fanny Pack
June 15, 2011, 8:33 AM
Filed under: Generalizations | Tags: , , , , , , , ,

That’s right, I have a fanny pack. Now before you start snickering behind your hand, please understand that this is no ordinary fanny pack. J accused me of fanny-packing and began comparing me to her father who regularly dressed up to meet her looking like a redneck janitor (this is Alberta, we’ve seen our share of them). I’d like to take this opportunity to publicly clear the air about my fanny pack vs. regular lame fanny packs.

First, let’s get a few things straight.

The Fanny Pack was carefully created by Tibetan monks to be used in all sorts of survival situations. It boasts a front pocket, which many would think should be used to house credit cards and a few bucks for beach time fun. This is wrong! Seemingly innocent, the pocket is meant to house things like grappling hooks, trail mix, pointy knives, extra ammunition and garlic (vampires), for those times when you just have to go out and kick nature in her sharp, pointy teeth. There is no beach time fun involved here.

The Fanny Pack also has a holder for your water bottle. Many would assume this is so you can hike with ease and delicately finger wildflowers while feeding chipmunks your trail mix. This is also wrong! The true purpose is to keep your hands free for Yeti fights, which one regularly runs into out in the wilderness. Yetis are impermeable, surviving against even the strongest blade. Their only weakness is their eyes, where your fingers must jab and jab until they explode in a cloud of purple smoke (this is science, don’t argue with me).

Last, but not least….

STFU J. I’m not gonna carry your goddamn chapstick if you make fun of my fanny pack again.

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