The Lifespan of a Fly

Mike on The Rise of the Planet of the Apes
August 31, 2011, 7:10 AM
Filed under: Bad Movies For Everyone, Generalizations | Tags: , , , , ,

Hey, did I tell you we finally got married? Just as a side note, best part of being married? Having a team name. That’s right, every time Mike and I leave a party we prepare our friends for our departure by declaring “Arts Roll Out!” Apparently our friends are very un-clever because they seem to ignore the hilarity of the situation.

So, back to the blog post. The big movie fans we are, and the big sci-fi fan I am, there was no way I wasn’t going to see The Rise of the Planet of the Apes. We purchased our tickets and browsed around West Edmonton Mall until our showtime. During this idle browsing period, Mike informed me that he had never actually seen Planet of the Apes. Who hasn’t ever seen Planet of the Apes? Like, seriously? What is wrong with your upbringing? Are you broken? But the tickets were bought, and even though he was now going to wreck the original for himself, I didn’t think we could easily sneak into Fright Night due to the 3D and us not having appropriately stolen 3D glasses in the past and saved them up for last-minute movie-ditching. So we were going.

This isn’t a review blog, so I’m not going to review The Rise of the Planet of the Apes, but I will state that I quite enjoyed it. James Franco is a wonderful actor and since I don’t find him attractive, I must actually believe that. So the credits are rolling and the Artses are rolling out of the theatre when the following occurs:

Mike: That was really good. I like how they left it open for a sequel. They are gonna have a sequel right?
Tannis: Yes, and we can watch it tomorrow if you’d like. It’s called Planet of the Apes.

Totally should have snuck into Fright Night and just squinted a lot. When we have children, you can count of me pumping them full of essential cultural influences. Seriously though, who hasn’t seen Planet of the Apes? Oh the tragedy.


I always thought that angels were liars
May 19, 2010, 6:00 PM
Filed under: Bad Movies For Everyone

I wonder if he knows Linda Blair?

I called it didn’t I? I warned you that at least once a month I watch a movie that disappoints me to the level where a Bad Movie Review becomes a requirement. Although, on some level, I may have set myself up for failure. In my defence, there wasn’t much to choose from when it came to new releases to watch. Judgment is usually passed when it comes to the reading of the synopsis. If it sounds especially goofy in a radio announcer voice, it probably is. We settled on Legion. Oh well, I’m sure it was the best of the lot.

There were a lot of elements that made this movie into a “bad movie” (as per me). The isolated, failing truck stop in the middle of some stretch of godforsaken highway was one of those elements, so was the fact that Dennis Quaid was the only recognizable actor. I always want to think that his work is well known, and then I realize that I can’t remember a single movie he’s in. If you try to imagine characters cut from cardboard, they were there too:The Tough Father Who Loves Too Much (Quaid), The Young Pregnant Single Girl, The Hillbilly That Loves The Pregnant Girl and so on. Oh! Wait! The Archangel Michael was there to protect the Pregnant Girl’s baby from God who had sent all of his angels there to kill said baby. I guess that’s kind of cool. It was also cool when the Archangel Gabriel showed up to do battle and it was the guy who played Keets on LOST. Yeah, that was my favorite part. LOST is always my favorite part.

And for a movie about a God who wants to kill a baby (I don’t even know how that could possibly be acceptable), it was surprisingly void of violence. Someone got their neck ripped out and were subsequently crucified (fitting), but that was really about it.

Look, if you’re going to make old ladies go crazy and hang upside-down from ceilings, I certainly expect more than some lame neck biting. Locusts that eat your eyes, now THAT would be a nice touch.

May 4, 2010, 5:28 PM
Filed under: Bad Movies For Everyone

No longer just an auditory experience, the world of video has infiltrated the exclusive society of music and neither will ever be the same. I swear, I don’t really watch that many music videos. Ok, ok, maybe my brother and I enjoy exploring youtube once in a while. And sometimes our hunt is successful, and sometimes it fails dismally.

The problem I have with programs such as Much More (or whatever it’s called now. I remember when they had a sock puppet named Ed) is that my musical tastes and that of the masses don’t always coincide. I know this for a fact because although I may not enjoy listening to them, watching music videos can be good for a laugh. So, I strap on my trusty, second-hand, “I wanted a new one” iPod and watch the videos to music I can stand while I’m at the gym.

I’ve noticed that I have a, well let’s call it a knack, for always catching the Top 10 Countdown. Which means that I’ve had plenty of time to examine Hedley’s Perfect and I wish I hadn’t. I don’t have much to say about it, other than there is a way better purpose for red paint then useless symbolism. Gee whiz, I wonder if the continuously falling confetti and the non-destructive fire could have anything to do with the tense couple who’s breaking up?

I can’t believe that this completely stupid music video (which, by the way has miraculously hit #2 on the chart now) has irritated me enough to post about it. But wait! Don’t think I’m just talking out of my ass. Don’t think that I’ve only received half of the message. I watched this video today AND listened to the song…. My conclusion? I’m categorizing this as a Bad Movie.


I Prophetize…. More Garbage.
April 15, 2010, 6:58 PM
Filed under: Bad Movies For Everyone

Bad movies became a topic of discussion between an acquaintance and I today. Is there really anything more infuriating than a poorly casted movie? Yes, there is: either paying $12.50 to see that movie in the theater or the $5.00 to rent it. Only twice have I ever left the theater in the middle of a movie. One of the offending flicks was 10,000 B.C.

Have you ever seen this thing? If you have, my sympathies are with you. However, if you have been fortunate enough to overlook this horrendous piece of cinematography, you have my sincere congratulations. Where to start with this movie? Well, for one, unlike Apocalypto, the varying communities of uncivilized people did not speak in their normal tongue. Oh no, they spoke….. ENGLISH. Not only are they speaking a language that hadn’t even been devised at that point in our history, they all spoke it with a clear, British accent. I made this point once to Mike who tried to argue that the characters were European. No, they’re not all European, the main character does travel into Africa you know. Did the tribesmen in grass skirts not tip you off? Yet they as well had impeccable European accents. Ironic? I think yes.

So this spear-wielding, animal skin wearing, wanna-be hunter caveman goes on a journey to save his beloved blue-eyes prophetess from her Slave Masters. I think he fakes a woolly mammoth kill too, cause he’s a pussy. And his beloved blue-eyes prophetess? Well you’d think the casting director could have found as lousy of an actress that he did that actually HAD blue eyes. You know, rather than just having another brown-eyed, mediocre actress in the movie.

I wanted to feel guilty about walking out of this movie. I wanted to feel bad that I didn’t give it a shot and hope that it would work out better. But what I really wanted was my $12.50 back. Oh and the two hours of my life that was wasted when Mike insisted that it wasn’t that bad and we should try it again. It was that bad and I’m don’t feel bad that I melted that DVD in a fire.

Hell is where that movie deserves to be.

I Am The Lizard King
April 10, 2010, 1:41 PM
Filed under: Bad Movies For Everyone

We live in a world of cinematic wonders. Large, blue animated tiger-people things and human beings interact in a realistic looking world. 3D movies have made a comeback since their debut in the 1980’s and are attracting thousands of movie goers. So with all of these amazing movies at our fingertips, how is it possible that I keep getting stuck watching really, really (I mean REALLY), bad movies?

It’s not as if this only happens to me once in a while, I watch at least one unbelievably bad movie a month. The type of bad where your mouth is hanging open and you turn to look at your movie-partner in stunned silence only to see that exact same look reflected on their face. This happened to me, again, last night. The culprit: Bad Lieutenant, starring none other than Nicholas Cage. Crucify me if you will, but the moment I hear Cage’s name in relation to a possible film to watch, I cringe. Flashbacks of “Ghost Rider” and “Knowing” happen and I start to make excuses about why I can’t watch his movies. “They give me Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder,” I’ll say. This is true, I regularly feel catatonic afterwards. Last night my excuses did not save me from my fate….

Nicholas Cage plays a cop with a drug addiction. And a sex addiction, and a gambling addiction, oh and probably a crime addiction. Cage is right in character when he delivers his usual toneless, expressionless, bland portrayal. His performance is complimented by the appearance of Val Kilmer, another cop with a baaaaad streak. Anyhow, Bad Lieutenant doesn’t try to confuse its audience with anything as complicated as a plot. It also kindly provides its viewers with scenes from the point of view of a reptile, a crocodile or iguana. Is this some sort of jab at Val Kilmer as Jim Morrison in the 1991 movie, The Doors? “I am The Lizard King! I can do anything!” Because THAT would make more sense than anything going on in Bad Lieutenant. Of all of the A- (minus?) List actors and other familiar faces, the best acting in the entire movie was Xhibit. Who is not actually an actor.

Please don’t try and tell me I didn’t “get” this movie. I got it, it was stupid and now I’m trying to get rid of it. My suggestion? Illegally download it.