The Lifespan of a Fly


Dear Husband…
September 28, 2011, 7:34 AM
Filed under: FOOOOOD, Generalizations

Dear Husband,

I awoke early to begin my day of writing. I awoke early, knowing just what I needed to fill that void in my stomach. I awoke early, to see your betrayal staring me in my face.

That’s right, I’m talking about the milk. You remember the milk right? You remember how you poured some into your tea last night? Yes I thought you might. You remember how you used the last bit of the precious liquid in your cereal this morning, right? I bet you can still feel the sweetness against your tongue.

Well I didn’t get to do any of that! My pot of coffee had brewed and the warm smell wrapped itself around my senses. Oh, I was looking forward to enjoying at least three cups of it this morning. But alas! It was not to be! Do you know why, Dear Husband?

Because you used the last of the milk and didn’t replace it!

I was not planning on using the last two eggs this morning. I was going to save them for a large breakfast that the two of us could share. We would daintily feed each other healthy slices of toast filled with eggs and tomatoes and tell jokes that no one else gets. Instead, on this sunny fall morning, I would eat some cereal to conserve the eggs to share with you, my love.

Alas! It was not to be! Why, Dear Husband? Because you used the last of the milk and didn’t replace it!

So I sit here, drinking black coffee, cooking up the last of the eggs, and yet I think of you, Dear Husband.

I think, that when you return from your hectic busy day; when you come into the door with your arms open wide for your Welcome Home hug; when you gesture to your head to show me a haircut which is never styled anyhow… I think, Dear Husband:

THAT YOU BETTER HAVE A GODDAMNED JUG OF MILK IN YOUR HANDS!

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On Preparing for the (Inevitable) Zombie Apocalypse
January 13, 2011, 8:47 AM
Filed under: FOOOOOD, Generalizations | Tags: , , , , , , ,

The groceries are bought and in the kitchen Tannis and Mike unload them into their new pantry homes where they will wait until consumption. A flash of metal catches Mike’s eye and he notices that in her hand, Tannis is holding canned vegetables.

Mike: Why did you buy all these canned vegetables?
Tannis: I’ve bought a lot of canned vegetables.
Mike: Yeah, but why?
Tannis: So that we have food when the zombies arise and the apocalypse begins.
Mike: Ok, but why are you opening the can now? Aren’t you saving it until the apocalypse?
Tannis: I’m practicing.

A few moments of silence pass while the two stare at the small tinned army that their pantry has collected.

Tannis: It’s creamed corn.
Mike: I think I’d rather the zombies.



Things I would rather do than eat Kashi Honey Sunshine
December 28, 2010, 10:44 AM
Filed under: FOOOOOD, Generalizations | Tags: , , , , ,

Is there anything more nostalgic than a big bowl of cereal? In our house, cereal is a staple. Our cupboard is regularly packed with at least five different types for our consumption pleasure. But since day one, Mike and I can’t agree on what cereal is better. He always picks out the healthy stuff. You know, like shredded wheat and things that horses and grain fed livestock eat. It’s like he believes that the more horrible tasting a cereal is, the more nutrients must be packed in there. Otherwise it would taste good, like, well, the shit I pick. And shit it is. Whatever, nothing compares to Mini Wheats, Corn Pops and Captain Crunch. It is only because of my imposed adult status that I don’t buy things with marshmallows and chocolate in them. Pfft. That’s just discrimination.

So I thought I reached an amicable solution when I discovered Kashi Honey Sunshine – how much happy-slappy crap can you swallow? The box itself was deceptive. On it’s front, a bowl of what looked like “healthy” Captain Crunch floated on a milky ocean, of milk. It is not Captain Crunch! It is a LIE!. Therefore, I have compiled a list of things I’d rather do than eat another bowl of this… this…. yuckiness.

Things I’d Rather Do Than Eat Kashi Honey Sunshine

1. Mud wrestle an angry Mountain Gorilla armed with heat-sensing lasers that can decapitate me.
2. disembowel myself only using a plastic spork.
3. Own a cat.
4. Go scuba diving with Great White Sharks while using a bleeding animal carcass as a buoy.
5. Eat real Chinese food.

Personally, I’d always imagined that sunshine tasted a little like Captain Crunch, and intense esophagal burning.



The Contest
October 8, 2010, 7:41 AM
Filed under: FOOOOOD, Generalizations | Tags: , , , , , ,

So if that sounds a little familiar, it’s probably because Seinfeld did an award-winning episode on this very subject. No, I’m not going to talk about holding out on self-gratification, because really, who wants to do that? But the concept is the same. I was inspired by an article I read in one of Mountain Equipment Coop’s quarterly magazines. In the article were three young Canadians, each of whom had vowed to not buy anything for a year, as well as not throw anything away that can be re-used. They each held little garbage bins for the few non-recyclable items they had to dispose of. A toothless comb jauntily poked out the top of a seafoam green garbage can. I was amazed at how little actually needed to be thrown away.

So ladies, especially Canadian ladies, you know how it goes in the winter right? It’s so cold here you don’t want to shave your legs every day and soon enough one week goes by. You’re feeling good, prickly but comfortable; and before you know it, a second week has passed. The comfortable feeling has now been replaced with a warped sense of accomplishment, a desire to see how long this can last for. The twisted contest has begun. How long can you go before you end up grossing yourself out? (Don’t even pretend that I’m the only one that does this. I checked).

I’ve applied this theory to groceries. I’d like to be all self-righteous and tell you it was for some noble reason of waste-not want-not mentality. That would be respectable, wouldn’t it? I would awe you with my environmentally friendly attitude. Alas, that is not the case. The contest has begun because I’m poor. Like, pretty poor. Because I’m certain I was “old country” in another lifetime, I strongly believe in stocking up on dried goods and frozen foods in time of need. Which, for Mike and I, is usually September-April.

A quick glance into my fridge reveals a half-carton of eggs, margarine, beer (I totally consider this part of the grains), a little bit of almost-bad sour cream, and left-over Kraft dinner (gourmet? I think yes). I easily could have picked up food, but after a while, I started seeing this as more than an empty fridge. The bareness of my cupboards became a contest. I was challenged to try and consume what I had without replenishing anything. How long could we last like this? On odds and ends and familial handouts (thank God or whoever it’s Thanksgiving this weekend. I am certainly thankful for families that feed us).

Well, as it turns out, the answer is four weeks. We can go four weeks without replenishing our stock.

Although I don’t have a cute little garbage can to show off my accomplishment, I feel as if I’ve learned something new about myself. I could totally survive the inevitable zombie apocalypse (as long as C teaches me to use a shot-gun soon.. hint, hint).

Except, at this point, your brains are beginning to look very, very, tasty……….



To PETA or not to PETA
July 16, 2010, 9:36 AM
Filed under: FOOOOOD, Generalizations | Tags: , , , , , ,

New PETA ad, courtesy of Sympatico.ca

It might not be a surprise to many people that I’m a vegetarian. I’m pretty vocal about my lifestyle and although it was never based upon an ethical perspective, I can’t help but feel as if I am contributing to a cause.

Upon reading an article about Pamela Anderson’s new PETA advertisement, I was appalled at the reaction from Montreal. Known internationally as a forward-thinking city, it was surprising they would deem it as “sexist”. My initial reaction upon seeing it was that Pamela Anderson looks amazing (airbrushing or no airbrushing). They way her body is dissected and labelled makes me want to understand what this advertisement is about. When I realized it was for PETA, I was shocked. Normally, PETA’s scare tactics turn me off rather than enlisting me to their cause. I don’t find this advertisement sexist. Rather, I find it to be a very clever marketing strategy. It captures its audience’s attention and makes them think twice about the food they are ingesting.

If large corporations with ridiculous net profits can use sex to sell books, magazines, clothing, make-up, hygiene products, cars, houses, vacation destinations, food and what-have-you, then why is it suddenly “sexist” to use it to sell ethics? This seems rather hypocritical and more of a biased opinion of PETA rather than the ad itself.

A vegetarian lifestyle isn’t always right for everyone. Just like a vegan lifestyle isn’t right fo me. I love milk and ice cream and cheese and eggs and couldn’t imagine my life without them. I try to think about HOW products are produced rather than what they are made of. However, I say good for you Pamela Anderson and PETA for thinking outside of the box and finding a new way to promote your cause.



Cupcaked by Michelle
June 21, 2010, 8:21 PM
Filed under: FOOOOOD | Tags: , ,

Michelle, michpyes@telus.net

I don’t get to use this category often and today I get to show you some tasty cupcakes a co-worker of mine made for my birthday. The pink one is a chocolate strawberry and the green is mint chocolate and I know she makes a variety of flavours. The chocolate cake is so moist and the icing is the perfect level of sweet to creaminess. I normally don’t enjoy many cupcakes because of how sweet the icing is, but hers really hit the spot for me.

Oh, uh, I totally didn’t save you any.



The “Fat” Problem
June 21, 2010, 8:26 AM
Filed under: FOOOOOD, Generalizations | Tags: , , , , , ,

It’s getting pretty hard to love yourself nowadays isn’t it? Every day women (and men, don’t think this is all about the ladies) are bombarded with advertisements, medical findings and pure out pressure from friends to LOSE LOSE LOSE… Lose weight that is. Listen here, I am going to eat my cupcakes and I’m going to enjoy them. “But how can you enjoy all this sugar and fat? Aren’t you worried?” You might ask me. No, because it’s all about balance.

Over the weekend a few acquaintances have decided after seeing photos of themselves on Facebook that they’re going to diet. That’s fine. We all need to diet once in a while to cleanse any of that crap out of our bodies. I know that I need to do this after a week of junk food, but do you really need to advertise your body image issues on Facebook? What good could come of this? To have a few dozen friends insist that you’re fine, you look great. Whatever.

We all have things about ourselves we don’t care for. I have (and continue) to struggle with my weight. I may exercise 4 times a week, I may not eat much fast food and follow a vegetarian diet, but I will ALWAYS be a broad-shouldered girl who’s better suited to playing hockey than doing ballet. And guess what? I’m cool with that. Why? Because it’s ALL ….. again ALL… about balance. If you want a big greasy burger I say go for it. If you’re like me, then you might need to enjoy a few meals of rice and steamed vegetables over the next few days. It’s your birthday and you want cake? Enjoy it! The trick is you have to send the rest home with friends… It’s the little things like that, that make living (and eating) a balanced life a lot easier.

And this thing about loving yourself? Try it sometime. Stop looking at yourself in the mirror and thinking you’re fat, or your nose is too big, or your eyes would look better a different colour. What I’m suggesting you do is practice some self-confidence. Do you have more to offer than your looks?

I sure hope so, cause we don’t stay cute forever. Fight that “fat” problem with the “love” solution. There are so many pieces that make us up as people we need to appreciate. The most important thing is not the size of your waist. Oh, and for the record: I love my fat ass.