The Lifespan of a Fly

Mike on The Rise of the Planet of the Apes
August 31, 2011, 7:10 AM
Filed under: Bad Movies For Everyone, Generalizations | Tags: , , , , ,

Hey, did I tell you we finally got married? Just as a side note, best part of being married? Having a team name. That’s right, every time Mike and I leave a party we prepare our friends for our departure by declaring “Arts Roll Out!” Apparently our friends are very un-clever because they seem to ignore the hilarity of the situation.

So, back to the blog post. The big movie fans we are, and the big sci-fi fan I am, there was no way I wasn’t going to see The Rise of the Planet of the Apes. We purchased our tickets and browsed around West Edmonton Mall until our showtime. During this idle browsing period, Mike informed me that he had never actually seen Planet of the Apes. Who hasn’t ever seen Planet of the Apes? Like, seriously? What is wrong with your upbringing? Are you broken? But the tickets were bought, and even though he was now going to wreck the original for himself, I didn’t think we could easily sneak into Fright Night due to the 3D and us not having appropriately stolen 3D glasses in the past and saved them up for last-minute movie-ditching. So we were going.

This isn’t a review blog, so I’m not going to review The Rise of the Planet of the Apes, but I will state that I quite enjoyed it. James Franco is a wonderful actor and since I don’t find him attractive, I must actually believe that. So the credits are rolling and the Artses are rolling out of the theatre when the following occurs:

Mike: That was really good. I like how they left it open for a sequel. They are gonna have a sequel right?
Tannis: Yes, and we can watch it tomorrow if you’d like. It’s called Planet of the Apes.

Totally should have snuck into Fright Night and just squinted a lot. When we have children, you can count of me pumping them full of essential cultural influences. Seriously though, who hasn’t seen Planet of the Apes? Oh the tragedy.


You Have Been Un-Friended
August 30, 2011, 2:42 PM
Filed under: Generalizations | Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Normally I’ll do a substantive Facebook clean up where people from elementary school and people you meet at parties and have pictures of you get erased. However, this all-encompassing attitude towards a Facebook cleanse isn’t working out for me. Therefore, I am now setting guidelines which will determine on an individual basis who I will be deleting from Facebook. Since this blog is linked to my profile, I expect that those who read this will either delete me first, or follow my new rules.

1. If you update your status more than 5 times a day, you shall be un-friended. If your life is that interesting I beg you to please start keeping a journal, use Twitter or go on reality TV and get paid for it.

2. If you post pictures of what you’re eating/will eat/have eaten. It looks yummy to you, to me it looks like a 1975 Company’s Coming cookbook. If you’re not inviting me for dinner, stop inviting me to look at what I’m not invited to eat.

3. OMG!!!. If I see this I assume there must be something so goddamn awesome you can’t even finish your sentence involved. If awesomeness isn’t involved, please stop using this to explain how your cat, Mr. Muffins, ate mothballs yesterday.

4. Pictures of your pedicure. Don’t care, they’re toenails and your feet are callused. Yuck

5. Repeated status updates relating to your job. You’re employed, I’m employed, we don’t do it cause it’s fun. Got it. I don’t care. I don’t know how else to explain it, but I can guarantee no one else cares either. Except for maybe your boss, who would be happy to relieve you of your consistent complaining about your job. He calls it “unemployment”.

This is the beginning of the end. Please continue posting pictures of your vacation, so that I can compare its awesomeness to the awesomeness of my own holiday. Please continue misspelling everything so that my snobbish friends and I can mock your idiocy. Please continue updating your relationship status, bad and good, so that I can currently track who is dating out of their league.

Go forth and create Facebook goodness.

*Note: Sure I can block you on my Newsfeed, but if I don’t want to see your shit, I might as well un-friend you.

What Harry Potter and LOST Have Given Me
July 18, 2011, 9:53 AM
Filed under: Generalizations | Tags: , , , , , , ,

Harry Potter. Oh Harry, your books are over, your movies have played, your battle is won and now my heart is void. I had the same feeling when watching the final episode of LOST, a television show Mike and I watched (and will again) with a fervor that borders on zealous. It wasn’t the horribly sad ending (which both had) that brought tears to my eyes. No, what made me bawl and smear my make up was knowing that something I’ve loved, and has been in a part of my life for the last twelve years, is over.

Sure, I’ll still pick up the books, and each time I read them, the story will be like new to me (unlike many people, I can re-read stories hundreds of times and still enjoy every minute of it). But still, it’s over and I’m sad. Harry Potter’s my buddy, just like John Locke and Jack Sheppard were. I knew them intimately and rooted for them even during their most vulnerable moments.

Although I’m sad, the sort of sadness that you get when a good friend moves far away and you know you’ll probably never see them again, I’m also thankful. I’m thankful for books like Harry Potter and shows like LOST because they gave me something, and reminded me that my love for stories is too overwhelming to ignore. I became a writer because of epic tales that span years to tell. If you want to do the story justice that is. They reminded me that there is still magic in this world.

I don’t know how other writers feel, only how I feel, and I truly believe that to write, you must believe in magic. Not just the magic we possess to entrance readers, to pull them into a different world and introduce them to creatures and people of our imaginations, but real magic. I believe in magic. I believe that there are things out there that happen which are so strange, so impossible, so fantastical that magic has to be real.

I believe in magic because without it, we’re just moving around and living in a world which is so clearly laid out for us. We are born, we go to school, we finish school, we go to more school, we finish that one, then we get jobs, get married, have children, all that stuff. I choose to believe that there are places in our world where magic hides, where you can find it if you really listen to your heart and feel it.

I have to believe in magic because without it I’m only telling the same story again and again and again. Once a year, when the new Harry Potter would come out (book, movie, whatever) my belief was renewed, I was reminded of the magic that’s hidden away. Now that it’s done, the onus is on me. I get no more reminders, from now on, I have to find that magic for myself, and bring it to you with words and characters.

Adieu Humans, Bonjour Zombie/Robot/Natural Uprisings

Have you ever felt like a little red ant, tramped beneath a magnifying glass while some grand cosmic force pulls your legs off and watches you burn?

No, me neither.

But apparently we’re all wrong because tomorrow the world is supposed to end. For reals this time, yo. This is nothing like Y2K wherein Skynet did not become self-aware and when the clock ticked to midnight on that fateful day, many of us went “Meh” and continued drinking. How is this different, you may be asking. Because this dude said so and he’s got billboards backing his story up. So if you aren’t too busy at 6 p.m. on May 21, 2011, why not come out, grab some smokies and burgers and let’s watch the rapture together.

I’ll be there, while the sky burns and the people run around screaming, with a Bellini in my hand. Perhaps during that time we could all discuss what we regret most in our meaningless, fragile little lives. The Robot Overlords, fuelled by their army of zombies aren’t expected until about 6 p.m., so until then, let’s get some nostalgia on.

I regret not drinking more bellinis. They are yummy, fruity, and you don’t even realize how drunk you are until you stand up and start trying to dance to Boney M.’s Rasputin.

I regret not getting involved in Wicca. Maybe if I had gotten involved with worshiping Mother Gaia she wouldn’t be so intent on wiping me out. Everyone else is cool, but I need to kick around so that I can provide the Robot Overlords with a human perspective on the world they destroyed.

I regret not finishing that book. Oh, and that other book too. I do, however, regret finishing Catcher in the Rye. The only good parts came when Holden Caulfield got the shit kicked out of him repeatedly, sometimes by pimps. I regret him not being a real person for me to beat up too.

Finally, I regret not taking Terminator more seriously and never learning how to shoot a shotgun. Skynet finally became self-aware on April 19, 2011 and I still can’t blow up zombies.

Just wondering, if I end up having my neck ripped out by a member of the Great Zombie Army and become infected, thus ensuring my passion to eat the flesh of my brethren, was my years as a vegetarian for naught?


Why Rebecca Black is Cooler Than Us
March 24, 2011, 5:31 PM
Filed under: Generalizations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

1. Seatbelts – She don’t need ’em, and neither do her friends. This is because Rebecca Black is actually a mountain troll from the planet XR3 named Glokurk. She’s cleverly disguised herself as a little girl with little talent. Everyone knows that mountain trolls are immune to physics. All of Glokurk’s other little buddies will go flying through the windshield in a bloody mess. That is only the beginning of Glokurk’s Master Plan to Take Over the World.

2. Which Seat Should I Take? – A seemingly innocent question, but if Glokurk starts debating about seat-options, GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE! What he means to do is open a portal into an alternate Universe; ultimately disintegrating the very fabric of time and space.

3. Braces – Previously super-uncool, now with awesome laser technology, est. 1985. Little did you know that hidden within those pre-teen heads are deadly laser beams that can melt you face off. Beware of face melting. Beware.

4. Rappers – They just add to Glokurk’s street-cred; no lasers or breaking the fundamental laws of the Universe here.

5. Inane Lyrics – It seems like Glokurk is singing about “Fry Day” and “gettin’ down on”, but underneath those redundant, repetitive, yaaaaah‘s and fun, fun, fun‘s are subliminal messages. If you find yourself thinking that Thursday comes before Wednesday, you are at risk for extreme dumbness and possible infiltration.


A Lesson Learned?

It’s been a busy couple of weeks with the beginning of school and me being sick (again) and complain-y (again). So here it is (finally):

Eric Tillman has been hired as the new GM for the Edmonton Eskimos.

Wait, what?

That’s what I said too. I don’t follow sports (at all), but I have heard all the highly positive, community oriented, socialist messages that the Eskimos are known for. So you can imagine the confusion when the former Saskatchewan Rough Riders GM was charged with sexual assault… by his sixteen-year-old babysitter. And then we hired him? OK…?

You can read more about Tillman’s assignation here at Global Edmonton.

But don’t lock your daughters up just yet…. Tillman says that he’s learned his lesson: Don’t sexually assault teenage girls. Whooo. We’re safe. You’ve set my fears at ease Tillman.

Seems pretty simple right? Actually, it seems so simple it shouldn’t even need to be said. I know young girls dress provocatively. I get that they like to flirt with men. They’ve been doing it for generations. I didn’t realize there needed to be a class teaching values like DON’T TOUCH TEENAGE GIRLS WHO ARE BABYSITTING YOUR CHILDREN. Apparently my own feelings are echoed by other Edmontonians.

In an online poll conducted by Global News on Monday, more than 1,000 people voted, and 73% of respondents said they did not believe Tillman should not be hired as the team’s GM. Hundreds of angry comments have also flooded in via on our Facebook page.

“If Tillman becomes the new GM of the Eskimos, I will no longer support the team.” one Facebook user said on the Global Edmonton Facebook page. “never will I attend another football game in Edmonton!” said another.

I have an idea to get the proof we need of Tillman’s newly found ethics and self-restraint: Nanny McPhee

Molestable? I think not.

Why I Don’t Want An iPhone.
August 24, 2010, 9:56 AM
Filed under: Generalizations | Tags: , , , , ,

Ooooooh, the sound of you parting with humanity

Have you ever left your phone at home? You know that completely helpless feeling that results? All of a sudden your day is turned upside down. What time is it? Because you stopped wearing a watch years ago. Who is trying to reach me? Because you’re that important. What time does the bus come? Because they’ve stopped posting schedules and replaced them with the phone number to call.

And that’s just a regular old cellphone that rings, texts, calculates and tells you the time.

Almost everyone I know has an iPhone. And yes, they’re pretty cool. Mike has one and I use it for sporadic Facebook checks and to play Angry Birds (which, I will admit, would be the only reason to get one. At least for me). He gets angry and snatches it back with a “Get your own iPhone”. I regularly insist that there’s no need for me to have one, since I can just use his. These are my reasons for not buying my own.

1. The bill. Yes, I know, it’s only about $100.00 a month. I AM A FULL TIME STUDENT. $100.00 buys me groceries and real shampoo. Thank you, but I’ll keep my $50.00 bill and my cellphone that doesn’t do anything cool.

2. They break. I know, shocking right? Once, a friend was pointing out all the cool things his iPhone could do. I took my lime green Samsung flip phone, smashed it against the concrete, picked it back up and called him. Can your iPhone do that?

3. Games. For some reason, this seems to be pretty important. I take the train and the bus regularly and the amount of iPhones used as entertainment is insane. Here I am, with an old-fashioned book. The type with paper pages. Go me.

4. Social networking. Seems like a fantastic idea right? Well there’s a group of people “hanging out” and 80% are checking Facebook on their iPhones……. wow, that seems a little redundant to me. Try talking to the people SITTING IN FRONT OF YOU. Because apparently they’d rather actually spend time with you.

5. Because yours is going to be obsolete in approximately 2 years. Just like the iPod, the iPod nano, the iPod video thing and other Apple products I have still not purchased in any legal manner.

Stop telling me to buy one. I don’t want to. I appreciate your concern. I appreciate the fact that you think I’m “missing out” on life. Trust me, I’m living mine. You’re watching yours on a screen.