The Lifespan of a Fly


We Meet Again… Netflix
October 21, 2011, 1:17 PM
Filed under: Generalizations | Tags: , , , , , , ,

So we finally got ourselves Netflix. Actually, we didn’t. My mom gave me her account and password and insisted that we try it out and see how we like it. After years of deciding which torrents to download, and planning their download time around your regular life. iI’s sort of neat to be able to browse through hundreds of titles, most of which were movies you wanted to see but not badly enough to pay for them of their own accord.

Which has led us to a new dilemma. The Wii remote blinks schizophrenically at us while we’re trying to make a decision. It blinks like that because we’re always out of batteries and are left instead to scrounge them from other remote controls, alarm clocks, smoke detectors and other valuable life-saving necessities. We could go buy more, but it’s probably not going to happen any time soon.

So now it’s October, and October is the month where I watch a year’s worth of horror movies and serial killer flicks in tandem.

So I watch one serial killer movie! One! Now it keeps recommending “Ed’s Top Ten” filled with brutal violence. Which is cool, cause I like brutal violence in movies and all, but it’s my parents’ account! And I don’t live with them!

I can just see it now, Ma and Pa, sitting at home about to watch some sort of culturally shocking, or heartwarming movie. Ma moves in for the cuddle and Pa’s big arm rests on her shoulder as she nestles into him.

AND THEN BLAM! In their face is flashed movies where dudes pop out girls’ eyes, or some mad German (why are they always German?) scientist is sticking three people together to make a fecal-fuelled centipede. Which, by the way, probably wouldn’t work with the whole e-coli thing.

So now poor old Ma and Pa must face the cruel reality of their daughter’s interests. No, no. It wasn’t anything to do with the way you raised me! I swear! No, no. It wasn’t because you sent me to overnight summer camp and I got lice! I… I…. I just like it.

A system had to be created. A system that was unbreakable, and convinced my parents that my emotional hard wiring was A-OK. It’s devious, it’s clever and it’s all mine. My secret to defeating Netflix is simple:

All Dogs Go To Heaven.

Clears up those genius suggestions in no time.

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The Anti-Bucket List
June 10, 2011, 7:39 AM
Filed under: Generalizations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

A few years ago, on our flight home from Italy, Mike and I watched the Bucket List. Not together, cause that would be sort of weird with those little headphones they used to supply you with (Air Canada is a bunch of pricks) and you just know the person before you had some contagious ear disease and for three hours all you can think of is “I can feel it crawling into my brains… oh God my brains”. Anyhow, we took bets on who among our fellow passengers would start crying. Mike cried, proving he has the soul of a lamb. I didn’t, proving I have the soul of the lion who would destroy that lamb.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Wait, shit, where was I? Ah yes, the spawning of the Anti-Bucket List. Since I’m never going to die (and if by some change I do, it will be in a fiery spectacular form which will awe all the little children out of their candy), having a bucket list seems pretty pointless. So I’ve created a list of thing I never want to do before my inevitable immortal reign (with Skynet’s help of course).

The Anti-Bucket List
1. I never want to go to Australia – There are spiders that eat birds, which are the size of your face. Therefore, able to eat your face.
2. I never want to watch an episode of The Big Bang Theory and laugh.
3. Play hide-n-seek with God (that bastard cheats).
4. Be the middleman in the Human Centipede.
5. Own a cat.
6. Eat real Chinese food – not this ginger beef shit.
7. Move back to Ontario.
8. Admit that I know how to fix almost any photocopier.
9. Listen to WSPA people who stand on corners and try to convince me hunting is bad – at least that’s what I think they want.
10. Plummet to the Earth at top speed and hope my parachute opens – commonly known as Sky Diving.
11. Buy a Coach purse.
12. Pretend that golf, tennis or bowling is an actual sport.
13. Watch golf, tennis or bowling on television and be interested.
14. Stop brushing my teeth.
15. Cheer for a hockey team just because they’re “Canadian”, although most of their players are European. Yes Vancouver, I’m looking at you.
16. Go camping with the Donner Party.
17. Watch another Pirates of the Caribbean movie.
18. Be a “Furry” – whatever the fuck that is, it sounds pretty weird.
19. Pretend CSI is deeply insightful and actually has a legitimate story line.
20. Give up on finding the Island in LOST – it exists, and I will find it.
21. Care about MSG and how much water I’m drinking in a day.
22. Take myself too seriously.
23. Spend more time worrying about the people who will never like me then I do with the ones who love me.
24. Give up the belief that magic is real and so is Harry Potter.
25. Stop dancing like I don’t care who is watching.



CBS missed the “Sensitivity” Memo

I'm sure the producers actually live in a box.

There are a few new developments that have happened recently I’d like to share with you. However, they’re going to have to be put on hold until I get this off my chest. Every few weeks A.M. gives me her left-over gossip rags. I rip these apart and use them for numerous communications projects and some of them end up in that little magazine holder in the bathroom. Is there anything more horrifying that those grungy magazine holders full of water-stained MacLeans’ and People?

Whenever I get one of these stacks of celebrity magazines I leisurely take my time browsing through and looking at how well all the clothes look on Skeletor. An image caught my eye. It was of an obese young woman in a bathing suit looking unbelievably embarrassed and uncomfortable. My heart ached for her and my eyes travelled upward until I came across the word “HUGE”… Yes, apparently this is going to be a new TV show. I vehemently voiced my disgust to Mike and promptly forgot all about it.

Forgive me, I don’t think sitcoms are funny. The only ones that have ever (and I mean ever) made me laugh were Seinfeld, Arrested Development and Curb Your Enthusiasm (which I had to give up watching because I kept yelling at Larry David to “NOT DO IT!”). As I was winding down from a pitiful performance at class last night a commercial for a new sitcom on CBS caught my attention. Mike and Molly it’s called. From what I gathered (through my open-mouthed horror), it’s about two very obese people who fall in love and what not. It is full of chair-breaking jokes and fat-people love.

Ok, so what bothered me so badly about this show (enough that I actually chose to blog about it), was that it feels as if CBS’s producers were told they need to be more sensitive to over-weight people and stop showing all these skinny people leading lives normal people want. So instead of, oh I don’t know, having women who wear a size 12 and men who are absurdly short on television, they have opted to go in the complete opposite direction.

It’s hard to offend a person like me. I normally don’t care enough to dwell on slights and insults, but I was completely infuriated at the assumption that only obese people can love other obese people. WTF IS THAT ABOUT?!?!?! You may as well say that Jewish people can only marry other Jewish people, and hell, there’s no way that interracial relationships can be acceptable either. You know, since we’re going to pair people together based on their physical appearance.

I’m not sure if CBS is trying to be “sensitive” to its audiences needs, but I really think it’s going about this in an oblivious, insulting way.

Get out and be around normal people you stupid, money-crapping, producers and see what life is REALLY like. Maybe after that you can keep your chair-breaking fat jokes to yourself.

Jerks.

Edit: First, Thank you Word Press for allowing me to become Freshly Pressed. I believe EVERYONE is entitled to their opinions. However, I will NOT allow any comments that are just plain rude or derogatory.