The Lifespan of a Fly

You Look So Handsome
August 31, 2011, 7:55 AM
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Mike and Tannis Get Married

See how handsome he is?

In anticipation of my loving, handsome, amazingly funny husband getting angry with me for teasing him about Planet of the Apes, I’m posting a picture of our wedding day so that the world can see how goddamn great he really is.


Wedding Woes
May 25, 2011, 10:02 AM
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Ok, so I guess these aren’t really “woes” per se, more me bitching cause I’m sorta tired and I’m getting a little freaked out. The wedding is nearly two months away now, and I should be feeling free, flying, golden, any other sort of adjective. That sorta thing, y’know? But I’m not. The closer the day gets, the more I’m beginning to stress.

I’m not stressing about shit like invitations (sent). I’m not stressing about getting a DJ (done). I’m not stressing about the caterer (yum). I’m stressing about the goddamn pictures and my goddamned fat ass. Ok, so I’m not obese, needs-to-be-carried-out-of-their-home-by-a-crane-while-the-bright-sun-bakes-untouched-skin-while-mom-looks-on-in-anticipation, sorta fat. More like the junk-in-da-trunk sorta fat. But still, it sucks. Now I know my mother is probably going to read this and will send me one of her text messages that says “Get working on your weights”, which I should and have been doing.

I’m afraid of the pictures. For years, I’ve managed to either avoid having pictures taken of me, or have managed to screw up my face in some fashion that makes me hilarious and not un-photogenic. Except this time, I don’t really have a choice in the matter. I have to smile and pretend as if I feel like a princess and not someone who’s been put on display. “Photographer you say? I didn’t even notice.”

I know I’m not supposed to whine on a blog that’s mean to illustrate the small, funny, workings of life and my own miserable failure at nearly everything (e.g. The Revenge Fart). But I’m human, I have insecurities, and, well, it’s my goddamn blog and I will blog what I please, goddamnit!

Ah, that feels a bit better. So while I’m worried about the engagement photos I’ve got scheduled for June 11, I suppose it could be worse. I’ve got a wonderful fiancĂ©e/partner/friend in my life. He’s my rock, he’s my balance, he’s my trainer, he’s my lover and my keeper all rolled into one beautiful god of a man. I have a great family who I will miss like shit when they move to Mexico (and simultaneously hate when I’m suffering -40 temperatures). I have great inlaws who for the most part I manage to not fight with too much. And I’ve got amazing friends who are so excited to help out.

It’s just… it’s only…. it’s a lot of pressure is what it is. I wonder… I wonder if I can pick my nose in pictures? And drink beer. Yeah… beer.

Now that’ll feel more like me.

Sometimes it sucks a lot
February 6, 2011, 1:25 AM
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Well because the Internet tubes are all backed up by Black Op-ers on this wonderful double point weekend (time to Prestige boys) I’m going to attempt to write this via another method. Forgive me if my autocorrect starts talking about cucumber dirty shoes.

So, my wedding is in six months or so, and as the day gets closet I’ve been thinking about relationships. In 2010 I wrote a post to Sarah. It’s been over a year since we last spoke and I’m still so angry and hurt. I truly have no desire to resume a friendship with her, yet I still have this nagging voice in the back of my head.

What can I say? I’m an impulsive person. So the other day, while at work, I typed an “s” into my email’s To: field. And then I type an “a”. And then her business email came up on my screen. This is my only line of contact with her. I deleted her phone number, removed any Facebook connection, and promptly tried to forget her address to. I wrote it down and took it home. Since, I’ve unfolded it and looked at the yellow post-it for a while until I folded it back up and stashed it away.

But see, I just want to tell her about it. I want to call her and say, “So we are finally getting married. I just wanted to tell you that you should have been there with me. But you aren’t.”

I told Mike about this urge. I also told him that I had no reason to do this, other than spitefulness. I recognize that I wouldn’t be doing either of us a favor if I did.

It’s not like I want to re-build what’s gone. I don’t have the time to invest in friendships that are scrapped. I have a great supportive group of friends I like better anyhow. But it doesn’t change the fact that I just want to say it; for no other reason then because sometimes being the bigger person really, really, sucks.

Let’s See TLC do a show on this
June 1, 2010, 10:27 AM
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I’ve been wanting to write a post on this topic for a long time, but it had to be done right. I’ve been wanting to send a shout-out to the unsung hero of wedding, the bridesmaids. These girls spend months organizing, shopping, decorating and all sorts of extremely feminine things that I normally don’t involve myself in.

A couple girlfriends of mine are getting married this summer (while I celebrate my two-year engagement anniversary with no date in mind.. hint hint Mike) and because I’m not in the wedding party or organizational party, or really any party at all, they sometimes feel like I might be the best person to vent frustrations too. Now, brides always get the sympathy when it comes to stressing about the upcoming BEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE. There are all sorts of shows based around the bride etc. and so many of my normally quiet, kind girlfriends are terrfied that they’re becoming, dun dun DUN, BRIDEZILLAS! And yes, some of them are. However, they have perfectly normal excuses to turn into head-biting, brain sucking, flesh-eating monsters, but the bridesmaids? Man, I never thought they could outdo the brides.

I’m not going to recount all of the innappropriate activites of said Bridesmaidzillas. That would be time consuming and counterproductive, although perhaps pretty funny. But I will say, that if you were not made the Maid of Honour by your bride then it is not your place to alleviate that duty. You don’t suggest that you take over if the Maid of Honour can’t live up to it…. You may as well suggest to the bride that if she can’t take the stress, you’ll put on that white dress for her and no one will know the difference.

Back-off, that’s all I’m saying. Actually though, if you keep going the way you have been then you’ll likely end up with your own television show.